Hello, dear readers! It’s been a while. We have some catching up to do, but not today. I’m late for my usual National Coming Out Day post because I’ve been off adventuring. I had plenty of time to push words around my head while in transit, but not much for working with images, so this one’s more thinky than past installments, but I’ve included some rainbowish pictures from my stash.
I’ve been working, for a long while now, on better understanding my authentic self, not least in order to be that person more often. It’s not easy; for all my education about writing well and organizing information for others to use, communicating about emotions, even to myself, is a big challenge. I often identify my feelings by analyzing my own behavior after the fact, and it’s often unclear behavior like “writes a National Coming Out Day post every year that isn’t quite about coming out.”
“Open the ears of your heart, and listen.”
I think it was in a Janina Ramirez documentary that I first heard this quotation from the Benedictine Rule. I’m not usually into inspirational sayings, but this one really stuck with me. Maybe because listening with, and listening to, my heart feels more approachable than something like following my heart.
Sometimes, listening means noticing a tiny shy voice saying This.
Sometimes it’s more like giving in, like listening to gut feelings or the spectral advisors that perch on shoulders rather than reaching for concrete, logical ways to make decisions.
Sometimes it’s not so much opening the ears of my heart as consulting my heart’s compass. No details, no map, just a notion of what direction my path should lead.
And sometimes it’s about noticing what’s different in the moments when I come alive.
Those feelings can be difficult to examine. I’ve needed a lot of practice to not get bogged down in sadness about how different “alive” feels, how infrequent these moments are, why “come alive” feels like the right words and not something like “wake up” or “turn up the resolution.” Am I saying I’m dead the rest of the time?
Coming alive is like warm sunshine in my heart, like brightening faded colors, like walking without being slowed by heavy baggage I don’t know how to put down.
My latest adventure involved traveling to two HEMA (Historical European Martial Arts, or historical sword study) camping events, and visiting a museum and a rare book reading room in between. It’s been a good context to think about my authentic self and how to indulge and present that person. I often find it easier to make decisions, even at low-stakes times like packing clothes or choosing what material to read out loud, by considering what other people expect from me and what might disappoint them. Understanding and inhabiting my authentic self means learning to notice when I’m doing that, and taking some time to put myself first.
When I started having HEMA travel adventures, I guess I hoped I would feel pretty much like regular life in different places and around different people. And some of the experience was that. But there were also moments when I felt alive, and then I knew that I hadn’t felt alive in a long time, and it was almost more devastating than it was amazing. I could see how much my baggage was holding me back, and how long I had been letting my sword life be merely good enough on somebody else’s terms.
With practice, it got less devastating, and I’ve gotten better at noticing and appreciating the moments more while they’re happening. I made some big changes to my life (sword and otherwise). I haven’t been able to do a lot of work toward consciously re-creating the circumstances, thanks to the ongoing global pandemic, but that’s on my life goal to-do list.
It was good, this past week, to get back to events, and to make a checklist of what I wanted to see at a museum, and to navigate the rare book reading room experience without having an impostor syndrome crisis. I was once again just hoping to feel like me enough to make some new connections, recognizing that after 18 months of no travel, no events, and no group socializing, that was still pretty ambitious.
During these travels, I had a lot of social blahs, but I also had moments when I absolutely had to go introduce myself and talk to somebody. I tried a new format and style of presentation, trusting myself that it wasn’t too ambitious, and it went better than I was sure about and very well-received. I listened to what felt right, which several times meant offering to help someone even though I didn’t have energy for conversation.
And I noticed that I had come alive and felt like I’d left my baggage behind for a while well before the moment was over, and was able to hang onto that feeling and make the moment last longer.
I guess where I’m going with all of this is, if you looked up my blog because we met on my adventure, thank you for helping me come alive and stay in touch with my authentic self. And if you’re a long-established reader, thank you for continuing to help me share and explore the directions my heart’s compass leads me.